This weekend...meh. It did not go well. There's only so much joy to be found in know where you stand after the bills are paid, and missing invites from friends. I ended up going on a bit too long in a letter to a friend, saying a lot and nothing at the same time. Frankly, I have no idea what's going on. Summer's never been kind to me, and I think the lack of a defined assault has made me go looking for one.
Normally this isn't a problem - I just ignore the self-destructive tendencies until they go away. Tell myself that everything is self-control, that nihilism never works out for me, and move on. But for some reason I can't shake it. It took a lot for me to get my head out of my ass, stop with the self-loathing and start living a somewhat enjoyable life. And something's put the kabosh on that for now. My apologies to those who suffered the blast back. It might happen again - but I should be good for a year. As soon as the venting was complete I ended up smiling to myself and chuckling at what an idiot I can be. Sometime I think my personality is that of Homer Simpson - and I see little wrong with that.
***
So I did some writing in earnest. Best thing to do when the emptiness won't be ignored. It's the kind I like best - when I'm not doing it with a thought of trying to be published or make my living at it or anything. When it comes down to "Fuck it - this is what I do". Creation in freefall - down as in flames, up as in smoke. That when it's best, when I let it work and find the world falling to order. I might still be unhappy with the world once I go back to it, but I know more about it by letting it fall into a polite chaos.
***
I watched "The Devil and Daniel Johnston" this weekend. It was a great movie, but it added to the "did not go well" portion of my mental state. Watching him come apart, seeing what his family went through...yeah, that struck a nerve. Probably my second most uncomfortable viewing experience of all time. Heh. While I'm way more functional than he, I can see my parents in his - their long suffering due to their refusal to completely turn their backs on the mad black sheep of the family. His fixation with God and the Devil, and my own with the various concepts of death, see...I'm not him. I can function. I can deal with people, with reality - whatever the hell that is. But knowing I was that close, that I pulled back on my own...it's a good reminder, maybe even a timely one. I'm me.
***
All of this shit would have gotten to me and leveled be out for months a while back. Funny. Changed a lot and didn't even know it. And I'm grinning a bit. I hate my job, I don't like the various situations I'm finding myself in, and I'm still happy. I'm turning into a half-assed Dr. Lao. And I don't see anything wrong with that.
Normally this isn't a problem - I just ignore the self-destructive tendencies until they go away. Tell myself that everything is self-control, that nihilism never works out for me, and move on. But for some reason I can't shake it. It took a lot for me to get my head out of my ass, stop with the self-loathing and start living a somewhat enjoyable life. And something's put the kabosh on that for now. My apologies to those who suffered the blast back. It might happen again - but I should be good for a year. As soon as the venting was complete I ended up smiling to myself and chuckling at what an idiot I can be. Sometime I think my personality is that of Homer Simpson - and I see little wrong with that.
***
So I did some writing in earnest. Best thing to do when the emptiness won't be ignored. It's the kind I like best - when I'm not doing it with a thought of trying to be published or make my living at it or anything. When it comes down to "Fuck it - this is what I do". Creation in freefall - down as in flames, up as in smoke. That when it's best, when I let it work and find the world falling to order. I might still be unhappy with the world once I go back to it, but I know more about it by letting it fall into a polite chaos.
***
I watched "The Devil and Daniel Johnston" this weekend. It was a great movie, but it added to the "did not go well" portion of my mental state. Watching him come apart, seeing what his family went through...yeah, that struck a nerve. Probably my second most uncomfortable viewing experience of all time. Heh. While I'm way more functional than he, I can see my parents in his - their long suffering due to their refusal to completely turn their backs on the mad black sheep of the family. His fixation with God and the Devil, and my own with the various concepts of death, see...I'm not him. I can function. I can deal with people, with reality - whatever the hell that is. But knowing I was that close, that I pulled back on my own...it's a good reminder, maybe even a timely one. I'm me.
***
All of this shit would have gotten to me and leveled be out for months a while back. Funny. Changed a lot and didn't even know it. And I'm grinning a bit. I hate my job, I don't like the various situations I'm finding myself in, and I'm still happy. I'm turning into a half-assed Dr. Lao. And I don't see anything wrong with that.
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