Evening Songs...

Entropy is the order of things. Decay feeds the next turn of the wheel. All that is well and good I guess, but it really sucks to go through it. The rebirthing process is just as painful, you see. The only thing that can really be said for either part while in the midst of it is "at least it ain't boring".

That's what's going through my head right now. I feel a change, an augmentation to my normal procedures getting ready, slowly massing like storm clouds along the horizon. It's been this way for close to a year, as I've come out of my shell and begun - for really the first time in my life - to interact in meaningful ways with people. But those clouds keep massing and I keep thinking, maybe the moment is coming, you know? Maybe the storm is getting ready to break.

I've felt it before. Usually I'm able to find someway to diffuse the situation and remain in the same rut. The process of entropy reigns over all. Because it's easy. It's comfortable. I know every nook and crease, like a well lit room I've wandered around and studied. If I was enjoying this, then I guess that would be ok - short terms, at least. Kind of like a functional alcoholic.

I can feel the depression creeping back, coupling with the fear of change. I feel myself becoming nostalgic for times that - in a clear head - I know weren't enjoyable. And I have to keep watching it because habits fit like gloves.

And I want the storm to break.