I am where it takes me...

"It's really just the passing of these days / That's gonna leave us all set in our ways"

-Dear Landlord, Three to the Beach

A year ago I swore I wouldn't have work this Monday.  I'd be taking the whole week to say goodbye to people on the east coast, take in a soccer game with my brother, and then start driving that Friday to the west.  I'd be crisscrossing the country, taking side streets and detours, and finally arriving at the Pacific before I turn twenty-seven.

Not the first time I've broken a promise to myself.

Hell, I probably won't even follow through on the "quit smoking" thing.

During a conversation with Teagan she pointed out that the change I'm looking for might not be the change I need.  That the whole trip is really just an expression of my desire to "live", but that said desire is still not strong enough to combat the sense of duty/fear that I have - a thing which over-rides everything else, from nightmarish frustration, sexual repression, and general dislike for my stick-in-the-mud lifestyle.

Knowing that she's probably right annoys the hell out of me.

I've taken some steps - embraced more of life and randomness that I have in years.  I've visited friends, hung out, gone on mini-adventures.  I've been trying to avoid a lot of negativity (which for me is quite the feat), but that's because I can no longer let the anger out in it's accustomed manner - namely hurling insults and curses at the cause and then breaking for lunch.  I feel this life, this current phase of being Sean, hardening into a solid form...and I'm not happy with it.

And I've known I'm not happy with it for quite sometime.

The dangerous part of it, of course, is that I can see it staying this way.  I can think about staying in the rut for awhile more - a while that could turn into me at fifty looking at the cube wall.

It might take a major even to nudge me out.  But then, the universe has always preferred my life to be interesting from time to time.

Brace for impact.